the littlest things

Even the good can be your curse.

Guess I gotta believe in that phrase. Lately I feel like the things that I love are, indeed, putting pressures on me. It just makes it harder. Not to mention I'm during final exam (I'm always that stressed during final exams).

And oh... I just realized even more that I am very conscious about everything that has got to do with my body. From nails to hair to whatever. Isn't it freak if I keep on looking at my pictures on Facebook, just to make sure my arms look fine or my thighs are in good shape? I don't know if any of you do that kind of thing too, but... well, I never say I am not freak either... Or maybe I'm officially an anorexic, I don't know... I ain't gonna deny it because honestly I am not sure. Andddd I like it better when the bones are showing.

So to escape from all the pressures, I find myself seeking for happiness in the littlest things... things that don't seem to be important. Like, on Sunday I went to Senayan City with Fanie, Michelle and Edward and we went to Food Hall. We took some tiny bites of mochi that were offered as teasers. I don't know why, but I was happy during that moment. I felt like we were being kids again, being infants... I felt the freedom.

It happened again tonight. Adip and Nano fetched me and we hung out at 7 eleven (the guys had meals and beers. oh how I wanted to drink, but I barely had a thing in my stomach). We were offered some teasers again and hell yea... I just loved it. Treating myself to some tiny bites and still feeling okay. Au fait, I had some light yet enlighting conversations with Adip and Nano. Always had and always will. This is another thing that I shall be thankful of, being surrounded with fortunate kids that are modest and down to earth.

a picture of Adip taken after he had just finished his meal. I do think he's looking like a little kid now, errrr but a little kid won't drink a bottle of beer.

Maybe I'm a freak. Maybe guys don't like talking to me because I don't wanna eat. I try not to care, I just want to enjoy this life. I find myself starting to ignore the things that could make me cry, I'd rather laugh myself to sleep.

Kill me, yeah... why don't you just kill me? I'm like a cat, it's like I've got nine lives. I grow another everytime you try to kill one.

what happened in high school stays in the past, but the good times surely keep on going

I heart you, besties <33

thank you, cheap coffee

... for making me still awake til now when all I want is sleep well right now. Well, it was my own desire to drink you anyways.

So I don't feel good about myself. Again. I hate to always mourn and it's no use to blame the world so I will try to make this as an objective narration, like an essay on a magazine, nothing too personal yet it gives inspirations to the readers.

At this point now, I think I kind of realize that all I've got at the end of the day is me myself. Not any other. Not even best friends, pets or parents. Therefore, I kind of have to agree with Cheryl Cole (she talked about not to ever trust no one completely).
The goods can be my curse, not to mention my wounds were self-inflicted. I don't wanna go to bed crying every single night, it's tiring. All I can do now is trying to be strong even when the wounds are opened again.

These past few days I feel like my days are dull. I miss my 2007 days so much. I realize that even when I hoped 2009 would be my come-back year, the fact that it isn't. So far, 2009 has been the rockiest year... the year that teach me everything. I've got the happiness in it for sure... but I won't say this is my favorite year.

If I've got to describe myself in a teen-flick movie, I'd say I'm a chick in a popular clique but I'm not the queen bee, I'm not the leader. I be the jerk sometimes, of course, but I'd be the sweetheart as well. Despite all of the perfectness everyone else see in me, my character struggles with her own self... you know, like doing unhealthy diet to maintain the smallest size, family problem, love-life.

I wanna live with dreams again. I wanna have something to hope on to. I don't wanna live my days just "live the day"... I've got to make it more than just activities done in 24 hour time. That's something I'm working on, I've got to believe God must have more beautiful plans ahead.

So now I still feel I shall just die every time I'm meeting my best friend (I don't have to mention again how perfect she is or the fact she could live the things I dream about without actually dream to live it, or put efforts into it, it seems like she's just destined to have all the most beautiful things)...
Right now I feel like the ugly ducking again. Really, all I want is to be pretty and not being one of the boys. Even when I admit that I might be just the second best, but can I please be the best one just some times?
My heart feels empty and lonely, sometimes I just wanna have a normal love-life like my friends do. But when I think of relationship, am I ever good enough for a boy to love? am I pretty enough? am I going to make him proud?

Despite all of those bothering matters, I'd still like to say I'm beautifully broken (borrowing Ashlee Simpson's song). I realize I've already got more than enough and that's something I have to be thankful of. This is just a life lesson, I can make it through the storm. I have to.

...and we'll just never know of tomorrow

Sometimes, I wanna have another reason again to see a soccer match.

who's gonna catch me when i fall

she'd read stories about a girl who seems to have everything but sob herself in the middle of the night. it's just she'd never thought she would get to hit the bottom herself.

in the big picture, she has everything a young girl could possibly wish: social status, aristocratic look, best-dressed nominations, A-lister buddies, high-profile lovers, jet-set vacations, family members consisted of society page faces...

but what if your father currently has some issues going on and can't give you every single thing you desire anymore?
what if behind the picture-perfect figure, you've got to starve and being dependent on some medications?
what if your friendship is only worth as much as how you can keep up with the latest Prada?
what if your boyfriend everyone thinks is a dream guy is actually the reason you drop your tears at nights?
what if the brother you thought you would always have is now more interested in his gorgeous girlfriend? and so do his friends who used to treat you like you're the only girl.

she'd never imagined she would have to find the answers to such questions by living it.

19 years of a lifetime and still many years ahead, she's learning how to stand tall in the storm... on her own.




Is anybody out there
Does anybody see
That when the lights are off something's killing me

I know it seems like people care
Cause they're always around me
But when the day is done and everybody runs

Who will be the one to save me from myself
Who will be the one who's there
And not ashamed to see me crawl
Who's gonna catch me when I fall

When the show is over
And it's empty everywhere
It's hard to face going back alone
So I walk around the city
Anything, anything to clear my head
I've got nowhere to go nowhere but home

Who will be the one to save me from myself
Who will be the one who's there
And not ashamed to see me crawl
Who's gonna catch me when I fall

It may seem I have everything
But everything means nothing
When the ride that you've been on
That you're coming off
Leaves you feeling lost

Is anybody out there
Does anyobdy see
That sometimes loneliness is just a part of me
-Ashlee Simpson


-----------------------------------------------------a little story to write-----------------------------------------

this could just be my only wish

Someday I will settle my heart down. I will be with the guy that I love and love me wholly. And my picture-perfect idea is Ashley and Cheryl Cole. I do think they look so lovely in this picture I can't help myself from not posting the picture! :)

picture's taken from www.dailymirror.co.uk through www.google.com

I wanna be pretty just like Cheryl and my man would be gorgeous and on top of his game like Ashley. There might be one or two rocky roads that we have to pass (then again, just like Ashley and Cheryl) but that's what makes us being even stronger together. We're going to be so madly in love with each other. I believe in it :)



Too much of anything can make you sick
Even the good can be a curse curse
Makes it hard to know which road to go down
Knowing too much can get your hurt
Is it better is it worst
Are we sitting in reverse
Its just like we're going backwards
I know where I want this to go
We´re driving fast but lets go slow
what idont wanna do is crash no

Just know you´re not in this thing alone
There's always a place in me that you can call home
Whenever you feel like we're growing apart
Let´s just go back back back back back to the start

Anything that's worth having
Is sure enough worth fighting for
Quiting's out of the question
When it gets tough gotta fight some more
We gotta fight fight fight fight fight for this love
We gotta fight fight fight fight fight for this love
We gotta fight fight fight fight fight for this love
It's worth having its worth fighting for

Now everyday aint gon' be no picnic
Love ain't no walk in the park
All you can do is make the best of it now
Can't be afraid of the dark

Just know you're not in this thing alone
There's always a place in me that you can call home
Whenever you feel like we're growing apart
Let's just go back back back back back to the start

I don't know where we're heading
I'm willing and ready to go
We can't drive it so fast we just need to slow down
And just roll
(Fight for This Love - Cheryl Cole)

02.26 AM December 3rd 2009

I'm in so deep
I'm scared to death
It's like I could drown
It's effortless
I feel so juvenile
Emotions going wild

Love is brutal
My heart is fragile

Please don't talk about this love
The less they know the less they judge
Don't talk about this love to anyone
I don't want the world to know
Until I'm sure that you're the one
Don't talk about this love to anyone

Love is a ghost
I fear to touch
In case I lose my innocence
I feel so insecure
I'm not ready to be sure
-Don;t Talk About This Love, Cheryl Cole